Okay, okay, hate is a strong word. Let’s settle for ‘ten things that seriously drive me up the fecking wall on a daily basis’ shall we? This blog post is a big deal, it’s make or break. 6 lovely years together could go down the drain just like that! I say that because I’m actually allowing Andy free reign over his section of this piece which is risky because I am prone to being a cranky bitch (there you go babe, I’ve given you point number 1 for free). Lets face it, no relationship is perfect, behind every smiling selfie on social media is a high maintenance girlfriend and a moany arse boyfriend who acts like taking a selfie together is the same as being faced with paparazzi 24/7 (get over it hun, it’s called making memories). It’s actually healthy to have little arguments (or at least that’s what we’re telling ourselves as an excuse to write this and get those niggling pet peeves off our chests!). Here goes nothing…
10 things I hate about Hannah:
ONE: First of all, you said all my sentences for this blog post have to start with “when…” I dont wanna do that, stop telling me what to do.
TWO: Hannah passed her driving test in 2017, we have been on 500 day trips around the country since then, she is yet to drive us to one (and then has the audacity to criticise my driving).
THREE: When Hannah drives I have to be MORE vigilant than when I drive. If I get distracted, look out of the window, or sneeze, I feel the wrath of Hannah’s temper because I need to be giving her advice throughout the whole journey. If I so much as blink at a set of traffic lights we are both fucked.
FOUR: I woke up the other day with Hannah’s long red hairs in my mouth, they get everywhere, in the food, all over the sink, I even found one at my work desk.
FIVE: Hannah doesn’t like to succumb to modern stereotypes regarding women being cleaner and better at tidying than most men. I spend most evenings following her around with a dust pan and brush begging her to stop throwing chocolate and bread on the floor. Remember how Hansel and Gretel left a trail of breadcrumbs to find their way back home? Hannah does this in our house to help her find her way to bed.
SIX: Hannah has a medical condition that means she has to wee a lot. If she hasn’t told you about it yet she will do. We spend most evenings sat on the sofa with her running to the toilet OR her talking about running to the toilet. When we are out on a day trip it is my sole responsibility to find her a toilet or else!?! I remember a particularly furious encounter we had, when I hadn’t memorised all the public conveniences on the Greek Island of Corfu, I must research harder for our next holiday.
SEVEN: Hannah likes to nap. However unlike when most people nap, she doesn’t wake up feeling refreshed, she turns into one of those witches from the film Hocus Pocus. Normally she will start by telling me off for letting her nap too long (I normally do this to give me time to clean up her mess from that day) then she will begin complaining she now feels worse because of the nap. Normally she will have a headache, feel sick, or feel more tired after a nap.
EIGHT: Hannah used to watch Mona The Vampire as a kid, and consequently she moans like a house on fire. This is especially true when we are out on a walk or hike, if we can make it past the 5 minute mark without her complaining, she has either fainted or run to the toilet. Recently we walked up a hill called Mam Tor, and I felt like one of the SAS veterans trying to push her out of the car park.
NINE: If you go clothes shopping with Hannah, prepare yourself to leave feeling emotionally drained. She always wants to shop but gets really frustrated whilst doing it. Note to self: ‘you look nice’ is not a sufficient compliment, but equally, don’t gush any more than that because it’s likely she’ll think you’re taking the piss.
TEN: She cleans around objects rather than lifting them up or putting them away. For example she will wipe the surfaces down, but will navigate around any cutlery, sauces or food still left on the side. She also doesn’t think that putting teabags in the bin is a thing.
10 things I hate about Andy:
ONE: When Andy goes the toilet, he can’t just take a few pieces off the toilet roll and plonk it back onto it’s holder which is at the side of our loo. No, that’d be too easy. Instead, he has to move the toilet roll to be very back of the cistern, a place in which he knows my tiny arms cannot reach whilst I’m sat down weeing.
TWO: When it’s the weekend, it’s lie in time.. or at least a gal can dream anyway. In our house, there’s no such thing because Andy is the worlds most annoying morning person. Last Saturday morning he thought it was completely acceptable at 6.40am to sing (or should I say shout) ‘mmmbop’ by Hansen down my ear. Am I dreaming? Am I in Popworld?
THREE: When Andy gets home, I think sometimes he forgets that I’m his girlfriend and for some bizarre reason, he can mistake me for a snotty year 8 child in his geography class. That’s right, for those of you who don’t know, Andy is a teacher and sometimes he finds it very difficult dropping that persona when he steps through our door. If I have a meeting after work and arrive back later than him i’ll often be greeted with ‘what time do you call this?’ *eye roll*
FOUR: When we go to Morrisons to do the weekly shop, Andy thinks it’s acceptable to do things like smack my bum in the middle aisle or shout out ‘Hannah, just say no woman!’ if I so much as sneak a glance down the chocolate aisle.
FIVE: When he cuddles me (cute) but then rolls over, ripping half my hair out of my skull (not cute). No wonder it ends up all over the house hun.
SIX: When Andy thinks its fine to say ‘woah’ or ‘wowza’ when a hot girl pops up on the TV. Yeah, they’re a triple threat (bangin bod, boobs and booty) and I’m sat over here covered in crumbs with my belly rolls hanging out, so what?
SEVEN: When Andy tells me I’m full and that he’ll probably need to help me out with whats left on my plate. Please refer to number 6 – your gal did not get defined belly rolls by starving herself ok.
EIGHT: When Andy finishes a box of cereal or carton of milk, he finds it impossible to just turn his body around and throw it into the recycling bin. So in response to your number 10 about cleaning around things, well it’s me taking a stand hunnybunch. Clean yo shit up and I won’t have to clean around it all the time.
NINE: When I send Andy a text and he reads it but then just leaves me hanging on read for what feels like forever. When he does reply, i’ll get a ‘ok cutie’. Fine, you called me cute but you might as well have just said ‘k’. Plz re-read and try again.
TEN: When you do any of the annoying 9 things above, you act all cute to try and get away with it. STOP IT. I am annoyed and wish to stay in my sassy, dramatic state for at least 15 minutes without being disturbed.
Annoyances aside, we love each other really (I think….kinda….) Oh and if anyone reading this has any other suggestions I’ve missed off that you want to share with me, I’d love to hear them. Be warned Andy, my list is not limited to 10 points.