I’ve sat staring at a blank screen for approximately 15 minutes now, wondering where on earth to begin with this blog post. Those who follow my Happy Hour blog/Instagram, know that I’m all about showing the real me as much as possible. Sometimes though, I’ll be honest, it’s really difficult to lay yourself bare for everyone to see. I kind of feel like when I hit publish on this post, it’ll be like I’m standing on a stage fully nude with everyone starting at me. Thankfully, that’s not happening today so count yourself lucky.
If you read one of my first ever posts about why I began blogging, you’ll know that it was sparked when I lost my Mum to cancer. I’d considered starting a journal, documenting my thoughts/grieving process and then I stumbled upon the idea of blogging. Happy Hour developed because amongst the sadness and numbness that grief caused me, I knew I wanted to make my mum proud. I wanted to ditch the negative Nelly attitude I’ve always had, focus more on the positives and showcase the happy times, just like my Mum always did.
The truth is though, as of late, I’ve not felt my happiest. There, I’ve said it! I’m stuck in a rut and I feel like I’m struggling to get out. I think it’s a bit of an accumulation of things really, from returning to work, to ongoing grief, to the silly little stresses that come with ‘adulting’. I’ve learnt to deal with all of the above (kind of) but there’s a niggling issue that I just can’t shift.
Lets talk about the four ‘selfs’
Okay so I’ve just made that ‘four selfs’ rubbish up but I’m on a roll here so just let me have it. In a nutshell, I’ve come to realise that I seriously lack self-worth, self-confidence, self-esteem and self-love. I’ve always struggled with the four self’s, ever since I was a child. Every single school report was glowing, positive across all areas, except one:
“She is really hardworking at school and has shown good development in her studies. She should have more confidence in her ability.
It’s only now I’m older that I’ve come to realise that this was problematic. Growing up, I’d just thought everyone was the same. I couldn’t have been the only one who hated putting their hand up, or squirmed at the thought of on the spot style questioning surely??
Looking back, what I find problematic is that if I were to receive a monthly life report in the post now as a twenty-something adult, it’d still read the exact same. Hannah lacks confidence, Hannah doesn’t believe in herself, Hannah doesn’t give herself enough credit etc.
To this day, I shy away from situations that put me in a position where I could get something wrong. I find myself asking for reassurance, even if in my head, I know what I’m doing. It happens in most situations in my life too – it could be answering a general knowledge question in a quiz (because I am so pants at it!), double checking something at work, or even just asking Andy to check the food in the oven to see if its cooked (I have eyes, I don’t know why I think he’s going to know any more than me!)
If you struggle with the four self’s, you’ll know what I mean when I say it’s tiring. It’s actually wearing me down and I don’t quite now how to improve it. I know it wears others around me down too and it’s not fair. I’ve been the same though for 26 years, maybe it’s just who I am?
I don’t want it to be that way though. I want to make a conscious effort to try and improve these areas of my life because as I say, I’m pretty tired of it now. I’ve got into a habit of when I’m feeling a bit low, just being like “I’ll practice a bit of self-love and self-care”. Normally this equates to a bubble bath, a cup of Yorkshire tea, 55 biscuits and maybe a face mask if I’m feeling wild.
It’s much greater than that though and without meaning to sound all deep, I need to do a little bit of soul searching. I’m not 100% on what I need to do to amend my mindset but I know I need to actively work on it. A bunch of soap and glory products might make me feel confident in my own silky soft skin but they won’t suddenly make me confident in myself as a person.
Let’s talk about mental health more
At this point I’d usually be apologising for this extremely long rant but this time, I don’t think I will. It’s an odd one, I never want to burden my friends and family with my worries, yet I’m sharing it on a blog post. Odd, I know. But I’m not looking for a ‘dont be silly Hannah’ or an ‘aww’ in sympathy. Really, I just need to get it all off my chest in one big blow before the sassy, sarcastic scouse bird returns!
Finding motivation from others:
I saw a post recently by the lovely Zahra on Instagram which made me not want to apologise for my ramblings. It talked about how sometimes your day just feels drained of colour but thats okay. Mental health needs to be spoken about a lot more than it is currently. Zahra is honestly such an inspirational person who speaks so freely about important issues. She’s always there to lift your mood (go follow her now!).
One other person you definitely need to follow if you’re wanting to change your outlook to life, is Sorsasta. She is a breath of fresh air who really knows her stuff about self-love. She’s so motivational and regularly posts tips for caring for yourself, that stretch beyond the usual ‘have a bubble bath’ advice.
If you’ve read this and feel like you’re in a similar boat, please feel free to drop me a message. Sometimes its easy to feel alone but I can guarantee you won’t be. Equally, if you’ve found ways of unleashing your positive, self-loving attitude, I’d love to hear how you did it!
Thanks for stopping by (My next post will be full of sass, sarcasm and swearing again I promise…)